
More recently, my awareness surrounding language and word choice was piqued during a holiday stay with friends in New Zealand. The constant monologue spewing from my youthful offspring centered around what they wanted for Christmas. "I want this. I want that." It was constant and desperate. The idea of Santa misunderstanding their location had the boys on the edge of anxiety. Kirsten - one of our hosts - asked my oldest if he understood the idea of "wanting." My ears perked up. She continued with the caution of being careful what you wish for using "wanting" as synonymous with "wishing." You see, often the things we think we want never quite turn out how we expect. We tend to feel disappointed rather than elated; deflated rather than fulfilled. As so we are left with wanting something more or something different. The moral is that when there is a "want," it is the feeling of wanting that is granted, rather than the thing, itself. Her advise? Rather than "I want", try "I would like" or "I would prefer." 'Like' carries a connotation of being suitable or agreeable; what is suitable or agreeable for you. 'Prefer' carries a similar tone. When we "would like" we are simply stating what is agreeable to us. 'Want', on the other hand, denotes a deficiency, a lack or a desire and carries a slightly negative tone. 'Want' concentrates us on what we do not have (and likely do not need!) rather than simply stating a fondness or proclivity.
Change the language. change the thought, change the expectation, change the outcome. And, as a cherished friend of mine says, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
So begin paying attention to your language. What are you really saying? It will give you an idea of what you are thinking or, more importantly, how you are thinking.
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